My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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