How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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