He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
