i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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