You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
