Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
