Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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