Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
