I accidentally had phone sex last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
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I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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