but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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