I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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