I wanna passion pit in your ass
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
