No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
