Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
