Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
