i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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