I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
