then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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