Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
