i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
