do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
