I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I queefed so loud it echoed.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
