she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
