Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
