I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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