The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
