out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
