And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
