I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
