Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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