On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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