Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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