Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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