so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
