Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
