Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
