my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
