She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
