His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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