I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The air was thick with penises
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
