party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
