I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
