My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you traded sex for a burrito?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
