It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
