So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
