This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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