I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
