I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
