Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
