dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
