we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
