my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
