just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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