theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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