Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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