I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
