I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
