I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
